HOME REMEDIES

~ If you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat and presto! The blockage will be almost instantly removed.



~ Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.



~ High blood pressure sufferers: Simply cut yourself and bleed for awhile, thus reducing the pressure in your veins.



~ A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep when you hit the snooze button.



~ If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you will be afraid to cough.



~ Have a bad toothache? Hit your thumb with a hammer, then you will forget about the toothache.

Weather in North America

60 degrees Fahrenheit - Californians put their sweaters on.
50 degrees - Miami residents turn on the heat.
45 degrees - Vermont residents go to outdoor concert.
40 degrees - Minnesotans go swimming.
35 degrees - Italian cars don't start.
32 degrees - Distilled water freezes.

30 degrees - Philadelphia landlords turn on the heat.

25 degrees - Canadians go swimming.
20 degrees - Lake Erie water freezes.
15 degrees - French cars don't start.
10 degrees - You need jumper cables to get the car going.
5 degrees - American cars don't start.

0 degrees - Alaskans put on T-shirts.

-10 degrees - German cars don't start.

-15 degrees - Miami residents cease to exist.

-20 degrees - Japanese cars don't start.

-25 degrees - You need jumper cables to get the driver going.

-30 degrees - Swedish cars don't start.

-35 degrees - North Dakotans button the top button.
-40 degrees - Alaskans close the bathroom window.

-45 degrees - Green Bay Packer fans order hot cocoa at the game.
-50 degrees - Lawyers put their hands in their own pockets.

-80 degrees - Hades freezes over; Chicago teams sweep all championships!

HOW TO KEEP A HEALTHY LEVEL OF INSANITY Part 2

Part 2



~ As often as possible, skip rather than walk.



~ Specify that your drive-through order is "to go."



~ Sing along at the opera.



~ Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don't rhyme.



~ Send email to the rest of the company to tell them what you're doing. For example: If anyone needs me, I'll be in the bathroom.



~ Put mosquito netting around your cubicle.



~ Call the psychic hotline and just say, "Guess."



~ When the money comes out of the ATM, scream, "I won! I won! Third time this week!!!"



~ When leaving the zoo, start running toward the parking lot yelling, "Run for your lives - they're loose!"



~ Tell your boss, "It's not the voices in my head that bother me, it's the voices in your head that do."



~ Tell your children over dinner, "Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go."



~ Every time you see a broom, yell, "Honey, your mother is here."

HOW TO KEEP A HEALTHY LEVEL OF INSANITY

~ At lunch time, sit in your parked car and point a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.



~ Page yourself over the intercom. (Don't disguise your voice.)



~ Insist that your email address is Xena-goddess-of-fire@companyname.com or Elvis-the-King@companyname.com.



~ Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that.



~ Encourage your colleagues to join you in a little synchronized chair dancing.



~ Put your garbage can on your desk and label it "IN."



~ Develop an unnatural fear of staplers.



~ Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.



~ Reply to everything someone says with, "That's what you think."



~ Finish all your sentences with, "...in accordance with the prophecy."



~ Adjust the tint on your monitor so that the brightness level lights up the entire work area. Insist to others that you like it that way.



~ Dont use any punctuation