~ If you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat and presto! The blockage will be almost instantly removed.
~ Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.
~ High blood pressure sufferers: Simply cut yourself and bleed for awhile, thus reducing the pressure in your veins.
~ A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep when you hit the snooze button.
~ If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you will be afraid to cough.
~ Have a bad toothache? Hit your thumb with a hammer, then you will forget about the toothache.
Wednesday, March 23, 2011
Monday, March 21, 2011
Weather in North America
60 degrees Fahrenheit - Californians put their sweaters on.
50 degrees - Miami residents turn on the heat.
45 degrees - Vermont residents go to outdoor concert.
40 degrees - Minnesotans go swimming.
35 degrees - Italian cars don't start.
32 degrees - Distilled water freezes.
30 degrees - Philadelphia landlords turn on the heat.
25 degrees - Canadians go swimming.
20 degrees - Lake Erie water freezes.
15 degrees - French cars don't start.
10 degrees - You need jumper cables to get the car going.
5 degrees - American cars don't start.
0 degrees - Alaskans put on T-shirts.
-10 degrees - German cars don't start.
-15 degrees - Miami residents cease to exist.
-20 degrees - Japanese cars don't start.
-25 degrees - You need jumper cables to get the driver going.
-30 degrees - Swedish cars don't start.
-35 degrees - North Dakotans button the top button.
-40 degrees - Alaskans close the bathroom window.
-45 degrees - Green Bay Packer fans order hot cocoa at the game.
-50 degrees - Lawyers put their hands in their own pockets.
-80 degrees - Hades freezes over; Chicago teams sweep all championships!
50 degrees - Miami residents turn on the heat.
45 degrees - Vermont residents go to outdoor concert.
40 degrees - Minnesotans go swimming.
35 degrees - Italian cars don't start.
32 degrees - Distilled water freezes.
30 degrees - Philadelphia landlords turn on the heat.
25 degrees - Canadians go swimming.
20 degrees - Lake Erie water freezes.
15 degrees - French cars don't start.
10 degrees - You need jumper cables to get the car going.
5 degrees - American cars don't start.
0 degrees - Alaskans put on T-shirts.
-10 degrees - German cars don't start.
-15 degrees - Miami residents cease to exist.
-20 degrees - Japanese cars don't start.
-25 degrees - You need jumper cables to get the driver going.
-30 degrees - Swedish cars don't start.
-35 degrees - North Dakotans button the top button.
-40 degrees - Alaskans close the bathroom window.
-45 degrees - Green Bay Packer fans order hot cocoa at the game.
-50 degrees - Lawyers put their hands in their own pockets.
-80 degrees - Hades freezes over; Chicago teams sweep all championships!
Thursday, March 10, 2011
HOW TO KEEP A HEALTHY LEVEL OF INSANITY Part 2
Part 2
~ As often as possible, skip rather than walk.
~ Specify that your drive-through order is "to go."
~ Sing along at the opera.
~ Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don't rhyme.
~ Send email to the rest of the company to tell them what you're doing. For example: If anyone needs me, I'll be in the bathroom.
~ Put mosquito netting around your cubicle.
~ Call the psychic hotline and just say, "Guess."
~ When the money comes out of the ATM, scream, "I won! I won! Third time this week!!!"
~ When leaving the zoo, start running toward the parking lot yelling, "Run for your lives - they're loose!"
~ Tell your boss, "It's not the voices in my head that bother me, it's the voices in your head that do."
~ Tell your children over dinner, "Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go."
~ Every time you see a broom, yell, "Honey, your mother is here."
~ As often as possible, skip rather than walk.
~ Specify that your drive-through order is "to go."
~ Sing along at the opera.
~ Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don't rhyme.
~ Send email to the rest of the company to tell them what you're doing. For example: If anyone needs me, I'll be in the bathroom.
~ Put mosquito netting around your cubicle.
~ Call the psychic hotline and just say, "Guess."
~ When the money comes out of the ATM, scream, "I won! I won! Third time this week!!!"
~ When leaving the zoo, start running toward the parking lot yelling, "Run for your lives - they're loose!"
~ Tell your boss, "It's not the voices in my head that bother me, it's the voices in your head that do."
~ Tell your children over dinner, "Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go."
~ Every time you see a broom, yell, "Honey, your mother is here."
HOW TO KEEP A HEALTHY LEVEL OF INSANITY
~ At lunch time, sit in your parked car and point a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.
~ Page yourself over the intercom. (Don't disguise your voice.)
~ Insist that your email address is Xena-goddess-of-fire@companyname.com or Elvis-the-King@companyname.com.
~ Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that.
~ Encourage your colleagues to join you in a little synchronized chair dancing.
~ Put your garbage can on your desk and label it "IN."
~ Develop an unnatural fear of staplers.
~ Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.
~ Reply to everything someone says with, "That's what you think."
~ Finish all your sentences with, "...in accordance with the prophecy."
~ Adjust the tint on your monitor so that the brightness level lights up the entire work area. Insist to others that you like it that way.
~ Dont use any punctuation
~ Page yourself over the intercom. (Don't disguise your voice.)
~ Insist that your email address is Xena-goddess-of-fire@companyname.com or Elvis-the-King@companyname.com.
~ Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that.
~ Encourage your colleagues to join you in a little synchronized chair dancing.
~ Put your garbage can on your desk and label it "IN."
~ Develop an unnatural fear of staplers.
~ Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.
~ Reply to everything someone says with, "That's what you think."
~ Finish all your sentences with, "...in accordance with the prophecy."
~ Adjust the tint on your monitor so that the brightness level lights up the entire work area. Insist to others that you like it that way.
~ Dont use any punctuation
Tuesday, February 15, 2011
What happens when you send your sons to Israel...
A Jewish businessman in Chicago sent his son to Israel for a year to absorb the culture.
When the son returned, he said, "Papa, I had a great time in Israel. By the way, I converted to Christianity."
"Oy vey," said the father. "What have I done?" He took his problem to his best friend, Ike.
"Ike," he said, "I sent my son to Israel, and he came home a Christian. What can I do?"
"Funny you should ask," said Ike. "I too, sent my son to Israel, and he also came home a Christian. Perhaps we should go see the rabbi."
So they did, and they explained their problem to the rabbi.
"Funny you should ask," said the rabbi. "I, too, sent my son to Israel, and he also came home a Christian. What is happening to our young people?"
And so they all prayed, telling the Lord about their sons. As they finished their prayer, a voice came from the heavens:
"Funny you should ask," said the Voice. "I, too, sent my Son to Israel . . ."
When the son returned, he said, "Papa, I had a great time in Israel. By the way, I converted to Christianity."
"Oy vey," said the father. "What have I done?" He took his problem to his best friend, Ike.
"Ike," he said, "I sent my son to Israel, and he came home a Christian. What can I do?"
"Funny you should ask," said Ike. "I too, sent my son to Israel, and he also came home a Christian. Perhaps we should go see the rabbi."
So they did, and they explained their problem to the rabbi.
"Funny you should ask," said the rabbi. "I, too, sent my son to Israel, and he also came home a Christian. What is happening to our young people?"
And so they all prayed, telling the Lord about their sons. As they finished their prayer, a voice came from the heavens:
"Funny you should ask," said the Voice. "I, too, sent my Son to Israel . . ."
Thursday, February 10, 2011
What is Love??
WHAT IS LOVE?
A group of professional people posed this question to a group of 4-8 year olds, "What does love mean?" The answers they got were broader and deeper than anyone could have imagined. See what you think:
"When my grandmother got arthritis, she couldn't bend over and paint her toenails anymore so my grandfather does it for her all the time, even when his hands got arthritis too. That's love." Rebecca - age 8.
"When someone loves you, the way they say your name is different. You know that your name is safe in their mouth." Billy - age 4
"Love is when a girl puts on perfume and a boy puts on shaving cologne and they go out and smell each other." Karl - age 5
"Love is when you go out to eat and give somebody most of your French fries without making them give you any of theirs." Chrissy - age 6
"Love is what makes you smile when you're tired." Terri - age 4
"Love is when my mommy makes coffee for my daddy and she takes a sip before giving it to him, to make sure the taste is okay." Danny - age 7
"Love is when you kiss all the time. Then when you get tired of kissing, you still want to be together and you talk more. My Mommy and Daddy are like that. They look gross when they kiss." Emily - age 8
"Love is what's in the room with you at Christmas if you stop opening presents and listen." Bobby - age 7
"If you want to learn to love better, you should start with a friend who you hate." Nikka - age 6
"There are two kinds of love, Our love. God's love. But God makes both kinds of them." Jenny - age 8
"Love is when you tell a guy you like his shirt, then he wears it every day." Noelle - age 7
"Love is like a little old woman and a little old man who are still friends even after they know each other so well." Tommy - age 6
"During my piano recital I was on a stage and I was scared. I looked at all the people watching me and saw my daddy waving and smiling. He was the only one doing that. I wasn't scared anymore." Cindy - age 8
"My mommy loves me more than anybody. You don't see anyone else kissing me to sleep at night." Clare - age 6
"Love is when Mommy gives Daddy the best piece of chicken." Elaine - age 5
"Love is when Mommy sees Daddy smelly and sweaty and still says he is handsomer than Brad Pitt." Chris - age 7
"I know my older sister loves me because she gives me all her old clothes and has to go out and buy new ones." Lauren - age 5
"When you love somebody, your eyelashes go up and down and little stars come out of you." Karen - age 7
"You really shouldn't say 'I love you' unless you mean it. But if you mean it, you should say it a lot. People forget." Jessica - age
A group of professional people posed this question to a group of 4-8 year olds, "What does love mean?" The answers they got were broader and deeper than anyone could have imagined. See what you think:
"When my grandmother got arthritis, she couldn't bend over and paint her toenails anymore so my grandfather does it for her all the time, even when his hands got arthritis too. That's love." Rebecca - age 8.
"When someone loves you, the way they say your name is different. You know that your name is safe in their mouth." Billy - age 4
"Love is when a girl puts on perfume and a boy puts on shaving cologne and they go out and smell each other." Karl - age 5
"Love is when you go out to eat and give somebody most of your French fries without making them give you any of theirs." Chrissy - age 6
"Love is what makes you smile when you're tired." Terri - age 4
"Love is when my mommy makes coffee for my daddy and she takes a sip before giving it to him, to make sure the taste is okay." Danny - age 7
"Love is when you kiss all the time. Then when you get tired of kissing, you still want to be together and you talk more. My Mommy and Daddy are like that. They look gross when they kiss." Emily - age 8
"Love is what's in the room with you at Christmas if you stop opening presents and listen." Bobby - age 7
"If you want to learn to love better, you should start with a friend who you hate." Nikka - age 6
"There are two kinds of love, Our love. God's love. But God makes both kinds of them." Jenny - age 8
"Love is when you tell a guy you like his shirt, then he wears it every day." Noelle - age 7
"Love is like a little old woman and a little old man who are still friends even after they know each other so well." Tommy - age 6
"During my piano recital I was on a stage and I was scared. I looked at all the people watching me and saw my daddy waving and smiling. He was the only one doing that. I wasn't scared anymore." Cindy - age 8
"My mommy loves me more than anybody. You don't see anyone else kissing me to sleep at night." Clare - age 6
"Love is when Mommy gives Daddy the best piece of chicken." Elaine - age 5
"Love is when Mommy sees Daddy smelly and sweaty and still says he is handsomer than Brad Pitt." Chris - age 7
"I know my older sister loves me because she gives me all her old clothes and has to go out and buy new ones." Lauren - age 5
"When you love somebody, your eyelashes go up and down and little stars come out of you." Karen - age 7
"You really shouldn't say 'I love you' unless you mean it. But if you mean it, you should say it a lot. People forget." Jessica - age
Friday, February 4, 2011
MONEY...
It can buy you a House
But not a Home
It can buy you a Bed
But not Sleep
It can buy you a Clock
But not Time
It can buy you a Book
But not Knowledge
It can buy you a Position
But not Respect
It can buy you Sex
But not Love
It can buy you Medicine
But not Health
It can buy you Blood
But not Life
But not a Home
It can buy you a Bed
But not Sleep
It can buy you a Clock
But not Time
It can buy you a Book
But not Knowledge
It can buy you a Position
But not Respect
It can buy you Sex
But not Love
It can buy you Medicine
But not Health
It can buy you Blood
But not Life
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